One of the things I always appreciated about my relationship with my husband was our independence. We loved each other, and we enjoyed doing many things together, but from the very beginning it was clear that we also had quite divergent interests. I could only pretend to go for a run or enjoy watching a pickup softball game so many times in the early days of our relationship before it became clear how bored I was. And vice versa. The allure of a day at the farmers market, or in a bookstore, or antiquing in the country never made sense to him.
Very early on we set boundaries for ourselves, and worked hard to allow the other to enjoy what was pleasurable for them while not subjecting ourselves to those things that simply weren’t fun. It didn’t always work, and there were times when I would have really preferred his company when I was out strolling, but it also empowered me with great freedom to make choices about how I spent my time.
I am reminded of this as I read the commentary on the solitary state of Meghan Markle’s mother at the royal wedding on Saturday. Doria Ragland, a 61-year-old yoga instructor and social worker from Los Angeles, attended the wedding of her daughter, now the Duchess of Sussex, solo. She rode to Windsor Castle with Meghan, but walked into the chapel unescorted. She sat by herself, and when the cameras rested on her face, as they did many times, she was usually smiling sweetly between some tears. She did not look sad, or lonely, or annoyed that she was on her own. She was clearly focused on the happiness of the moment.
And yet, I have read much commentary about how sad and distressing it must have been for her to attend the wedding alone. How gallant of Prince Charles to escort her out of the church, with Camilla (and her flying saucer fascinator) on one arm and Doria on the other. For, as we all know, it is much better for a woman to be in the presence of a man than, gasp, ALONE.
Folderol (I had to think of a word that matched the mood of a royal wedding.) I take offense at this interpretation of what it means to attend an event alone. There is nothing inherently wrong with being single at an event, and there is no reason to assume that the person attending an event alone is any less happy … or more happy … than those who attend with partners. Simply because you have a wife or a husband or simply a friend at your side doesn’t somehow magically open you up to a more enjoyable experience. It might, but it’s certainly not a requisite.
Since my husband died two years ago, I have, for all intents and purposes, been single (I am involved in a new relationship, but my beau lives in another city.) And so I am invited to many events, parties and gatherings alone. And when I choose to go, I go alone. Happily. It has never once crossed my mind that I would prefer to attend with someone by my side. Nor has it occurred that my friends and acquaintances would prefer that I attend with a plus one. I know that many widows and widowers and divorced people talk about how their couple friends turn away from them when they become a singleton; this has not been my experience. My friends in couples see me as an individual and are my friend because of me, not because I come in a pair.
As for walking into a party, or reception, alone, again, while not always the easiest thing to do alone, there is no shame in it, nor does it mean I won’t quickly find someone to chat with. The only thing missing from a night out at a gathering is that I don’t have someone with whom to debrief in our pillow talk after the event. But honestly, my husband was so close-lipped about these kinds of things, he never gave me the pleasure of that kind of idle, gossipy end to an evening anyway. That’s what texting your BFF is for.
I do recognize that a party in DC is a little different than attending your only daughter’s wedding in a chapel in Windsor Castle. Nevertheless, I, too, would have been proud to sit there and take part in the blessing of the moment, not worrying about who was sitting next to me.
Our world is based on coupling. Marriage, partnerships, royal couples. We are expected to pair off in our lives. But not everyone does. Some choose not to. Some never find the right partner to fit. Some lose their partners, willingly or unwillingly. But each of us steps out into the sunlight every day, alone, regardless of our couple status. We are each sui generis, regarded for our own thoughts, our own achievements, our own quirks. While we seek comfort in pairing, and in community, we bring our own selves to those connections. We are always alone, even when surrounded by scores of people.
And in our aloneless, there is grace, and beauty, and humanity. You could see all of that in Doria’s face as she watched her beloved daughter marry. There was not a trace of discomfort – that was only projected on her by those reporting. They were the ones assuming that she was uncomfortable. They deemed it unimaginable that a woman could sit alone among hundreds of people, many of whom had important royal and celebrity status, and not feel diminished and out of place.
When you are widowed, and big life cycle events arise, there is always a sadness because someone important is missing. When my children graduate, and maybe someday get married, have children, accomplish big things, there will always be a hole in all our hearts because their father won’t be there to witness it. But that is very different from feeling scared or embarrassed to attend a big event alone.
One more thing to point out about the royal wedding. There was some foofaraw around Meghan’s family and whether her father would get to walk her down the aisle – a sexist tradition that involves “giving” the bride away, as if she is someone’s to give. When it was clear that her father wasn’t showing up, Meghan didn’t break completely from tradition, but she did walk into the chapel alone, and down the first section of the aisle until Prince Charles met her and walked her the rest of the way. It was a lovely signal that this Duchess is a woman with a modern mind and heart. She was clearly raised by a mother who understood the power of a woman standing tall in the world and conveyed it to her daughter, who then showed all of us how to be a kick-ass princess. Both Doria and Meghan made my heart soar that day, and I will think of them when I next attend an event. Solo and strong.
Karen this made tears come to my eyes. I spent the better part of my kids' childhood attending events alone and at first it was difficult but over time I realized it was easier than being with someone I no longer loved and who often just wasn't there anyway. The joy of watching Ian and Katie grow up surpassed any thoughts that it would be better to have a partner, and although I too am now in a relationship that is long distance he will never be part of their lives the way that a father is. Meghan's mother was a beacon for single moms everywhere and that she chose to go alone made me proud.
Posted by: AimeeBravenow | 05/23/2018 at 08:50 AM